So, as things are divulged in the media... I will repost this. I posted it about two years ago, in an attempt to explain, but... changed my mind as I was not sure it was something people could consider. And so now, I again feel as if it should be explained. Why? Because it is what happened. There is really no need to hide what happened out of embarrassment at this point. If you read this, the sexual abuse I suffered at the age of ten was something, always seemingly, connected to something bigger. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was. But, at the time before my search for Hunter Biden's laptop, I had explicitly told MANY people I had found information related to THIS:
And so...
Mid-June 2013: I had contacted mono, and without blood tests for low testosterone, Dr. S put me on Androgel (testosterone). This was done in some sort of contact with my ex-wife or mother-in-law, as I never contacted him. The dose to start was 7.5 mg/day. I was staying at my parents under mono quarantine at the time and my wife delivered the prescription to me at this time. Today, my testosterone level is fine. Proof that I never needed this prescription.
November-18-2013: For reason still unknown to me, the dose was now raised to 17.5 mg/day. This is highly irregular and above the prescribing guidelines given by the manufacture. My personality definitely changed at this dosage, and I became overly euphoric about life and needed to sleep much less; some night sleep actually became impossible Although I generally felt very confident about this version of life I was now experiencing, I asked why the dose was so high now, and Dr. S told me it was due to my high metabolism.
He then told he would prescribe me 15 mg/day from now on, but that I could gauge how much I might need as I went. For a time, I remember deciding to drop the dose to the original 7.5 gm/day, but as the months pasted, I found myself taking the full 15 mg/day, using the full prescription.
Why he let me self-dose a controlled substance is beyond my understanding today, but at the time it seemed reasonable as I figured Androgel was for older men, and being under 40 at the time, I came to think a man my age would need the full 15 mg/day. I also felt extremely confident (but looking back, I was sort of becoming rather odd even then) and energized taking 15 mg/day, and so, that’s what happened.
2014: On 15 mg/day, overtime, my personality became rather uncaring. I did have limitless energy and had gained about 15 lbs of muscle during this year, but and had also become very narcissistic; I could not be bothered with anything that might upset me. It is hard to describe, but this new “15 mg/day” me felt as if this was the way I was to have been in life, and that the old me was weak and boring; often depressed. Old friends had also become weak and boring, and I dropped most of my old hobbies and interests.
Before Androgel, I had always been rather introverted, reserved, caring, and somewhat nerdy; not anymore. The best example I can give concerns my father being diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer at this time. After he told me of the news, I decided he was likely to die soon, and that the bother of his death was something I was not interested in. I feel terrible about this now, but at the time I did not care. Further to this, I did not attend my grandmother’s funeral, my childhood friend’s wedding, I stopped talking my uncles, my aunt and grandfather. In time I also stopped contact with my parents, old friends, and felt I deserved a new life as a new me. I had completely been altered mentally.
August-13-2015: A couple of years later my elevated mood had started to drop. By this time Dr. H was now my doctor (a new medical office had opened on my street.)
March-13-2017: At this time Dr. H did a blood test and my hemoglobin was 174 and my hematocrit was 0.51%. These numbers are high enough to suspect the development of secondary erythrocytosis (polycythemia.) These results were never shared with me.
Looking back now, my mood and mentality continued to suffer during this year, and although still on a supraphysiological dose of Androgel (15 mg/day), my temperament had become somewhat more irritable and aggressive. Elements of paranoia also crept in, and I become very interested in a conspiracy theory known as Pizzagate. This theory posited that many high-ranking political figures were involved in sex trafficking of all kinds. I did not really believe the theory at this point, but it did allow an outlet for my increasing generalized derision of the world of politics. Soon however I dropped interest in the theory and forgot about it, but I had become a bit paranoid about many things from work to close friends and had become very argumentative in general.
October 2, 2018: I visited Dr. H with my wife, and talked things over but unknown to me, my hemoglobin was still high at 173 and hematocrit 0.52%. Although I was complaining of anxiety and lack of concentration by this point, Dr. H did not share these blood results with me. In retrospect it my symptoms of secondary erythrocytosis had increased and an anxiety were now setting in as well. Oddly, my wife also told Dr. H that I was not functional after work. Dr. H told me to focus on a healthy diet, exercise, and better sleep. I acted on these recommendations, but little difference was noted.
December 2018: It was about this time that I began to suffer from erectile dysfunction. I had tried better diet, exercise and sleep, but things had not improved, and so, I made an appointment with Dr. H. At this time a lab test shows that my hematocrit was again at 52%, hemoglobin 174, and my kidney function continued to suffer as well.
In her notes from December 19th 2018, Dr. H makes no reference of my complaint of feeling off, However I did mention this to her as I now impotent and depressed about the situation. She started me on Viagra at this time.
June 2019: By this point I had given up on the use of Viagra (it didn’t work well - upon my further research, it is because polycythemia thickens the blood) and felt something was generally not as they should be. I asked to see a specialist of some kind. I remember asking to see an endocrinologist, but Dr. H’s notes state I was to see a urologist.
Feeling some hope now, I visited a clinic in September of 2019. However, my hopes of answers faded as this clinic tried to sell me a “wave therapy” treatment for ED. I never met with a specialist of any kind and left very disappointed.
Fall 2019: This was a very difficult time for me in terms of fatigue and lack of mental clarity, but looking back, I had also started to blame myself for my mental state and began to obsess about other factors that might be making me generally depressed. One focus was that of my work, specifically cell phone use amongst the students in my classes. I had become a person who was disillusioned, and this self-invented cell phone issue would be what I would take up as a way of focusing on something I could solve.
My mind was also becoming disconnected and grandiose, and I do think that the years of supraphysiological levels of testosterone blood levels had completely affected my psyche by this time; I simple was not the same person anymore. I had become angry yet, delusional within my own self glory. For example, in teaching I began to take detailed notes of all behavioral infractions of my students and changed from a fairly understanding teacher to a strict disciplinarian. I had many meetings with school administration, and took their suggestions to a level that, looking back, was bizarre.
One example of this would be me having gathered all the school board and ministry documentation I could find on discipline related to cell phones, reading it all over, creating my own “master” document, and presenting it to the administration. The goal was to force my administration to follow a course of discipline with relation to cell phone use that would fit my personal standards. I even contacted to Toronto Star in the hopes of starting some press for my document, I tried to get an appointment with the Minister of Education to help write improved disciplinary regulations, and I talked to everyone about my plans to end cell phone use in the classroom once and for all. None of these plans ever went anywhere.
January 2020: By this time, I was a person who had become very dejected. I was exhausted, and seemingly out of nowhere, I started to develop a very itchy rash on the right side of my abdomen. I attributed the rash to some sort of allergic reaction, but as it became worse, I visited a doctor. I contacted Dr. H’s office but was told I could not see her right away, so I went to the Nobleton walk-in clinic and was told I had a case of shingles. I was given medication, but after a couple of weeks the rash has extended to my left abdomen. Soon after I was able to make an appoint with Dr. H for early March 2020 to follow-up.
Having taken time off work, this rash had now become so large and itchy I could no longer sleep, however, after a few days of taking prednisone (50 mg) I became re-energized and decided I needed to buy a motorcycle; which I did within a day or two of deciding I needed one. It was winter, I had never ridden a motorcycle, I did not have a license, but I knew I needed one and bought a KLX 250. Once the bike had been assembled a couple weeks later, I picked it up and was riding it around Nobleton in early February.
At this time, still suffering with the rash and not sleeping much, my mood was rather manic in retrospect. Another idea occurred me during this time: to create a YouTube channel about my new motorcycle, so I bought the camera equipment needed, and I began making videos about being an expert on the KLX 250. My life became totally consumed by this motorcycle and YouTube channel and I would ride it each day even though it was completely unsafe to do so given the winter conditions. Within a few weeks I was riding it on highway 400, but soon stopped altogether a few weeks later once I had come to realize how crazy it all was. The episode of semi-mania ended, and a depression took hold.
One very disturbing after-effect of the withdrawal of prednisone was that of night terrors. These night terrors were of my own sexual abuse I suffered when I was 10 years of age, and they would wake me in a sorting fit night each night for a couple of weeks. I had not thought of this abuse for a very long time, but now it was back. I had no idea why and in this period of depression, I struggled to understand what it all meant.
March 2020: My rash was now very bad, and I still could not sleep well if at all. The prednisone had dampened the severity of the rash, but now it was spreading to the back of my shoulders. Night sweats had also started by this point, and my skin seemed to be burning at night too. I had also become extremely irritable and had a few episodes of angry outbursts at home. I waited on the early-March appointment I had made with Dr. H, but then received word it had been cancelled. I had wanted to talk about the rash.
April 2020: I needed an answer for this rash, and again went to a local Medical clinic. I visited with Dr. L and he ran a blood test. The results of the test were never shared with me, but my hemoglobin was 180 and hematocrit 55%. At this point, my use of testosterone should have been stopped as stated by adopted medical guidelines used worldwide, but this did not happen. These levels are also a clear indication of full-blown secondary erythrocytosis (polycythemia) which carries a risk of death by thrombotic event such as a stroke. Instead, he advised me to take an anti-histamine. This did little to stop the itch and rash that was now all over my body and had become extremely itchy at night. Also, as the rash, while most likely due to polycythemia, could have been also connected to drug (testosterone) induced bland cholestasis, elevated alkaline phosphatase and bilirubin should have been checked for, but only alanine transaminase was checked in this blood test (and it was mildly elevated as would be expected.) This is all well known in common medical practice, and I have spent some time studying medical textbooks to discern this information.
However, my goal was to simply make it to my summer vacation and recuperate. I was also now in covid lockdown and was able to rest much more than if I was working from school, and that did seem to help. I had also taken to a rather odd sleep schedule of sleeping for a few hours at night and a few more during the day. After several more appointments with Dr. L and no ideas on a cure to the rash, by May 2020 my mood had become very depressed and I was exhausted. I again made an appointment with Dr. H.
June 1, 2020: On this date I had an appointment with Dr. H and told her of the rash and my state of depression. She told me that many people during covid were suffering mentally, to drink more water and move around a bit more rather than sitting at my home office all day. She then hung up on me.
After this appointment I felt as if it was going to be up to me to solve this rash.
I was in a very bad mental state by this point. In desperation I had remembered that my pet dog Roxy had suffered from a very itchy fungal infection, and now, I remember my wife going to the vet to get another bottle of it, and I used it myself. It would burn into my skin while I applied it in the shower. But it was a temporary relief, and I used it in an increasing fashion until my arrest in November; normally three times a day.
August 2020: At the start of this month, a new section of the rash erupted over the small of my back. This made it impossible to sleep as I was now truly covered back to front. My mind started to come apart during this month. For instance, I broke off a lifetime friendship over a text message concerning who the Brooklyn Nets had hired as their head coach. I let my friend know things had become too political between us because he did not agree with the hire.
I also revisited the Pizzagate theory, but this time I had come to believe Justin Trudeau was involved. I was convinced he had had people killed at the high school he worked at to cover-up the sex trafficking there. I also was convinced a local high school, was involved in sex trafficking as well as it was a private Catholic school connected to the Vatican. I had become a very insular person as well, and was convinced no one could know what I knew, or understand what I had come to know.
I had also come to avoid my family and could no longer eat with them without becoming very angry by eating habits. I had also taken to drinking myself to sleep as it was the only way I could numb the itch and sleep. Thinking back, I would be drinking up to 6 beers a night! As it was covid, nearly all of my time was spent alone. I did however make another appointment with Dr. H for September.
September 2020: Once the heat of the summer had ended the rash began to settle a bit, but it was at this point my body started to display what I can describe as sharp muscle pulls. They would lead to acute pains in my shoulder and back. I was still visiting Dr. L, but also had an appointment with Dr. H on September 17th. However, I never did talk to her that day, rather it was a Dr. SI who took the appointment. I mentioned the rash, but he said he could only renew the prescription for testosterone and that was the end of the appointment.
October 2020: At some point during this month, I gave up inside and very bizarre thoughts began to occur to me. One pertained to that of my past sexual abuse when I was ten. I became convinced that the rash was some sort of physical manifestation of this abuse, and I began to blame myself for the rash thinking it was something I deserved to suffer with. To help understand my fate, I started to listen to satanic music about death and rebirth and some how it all began to make sense. The rash was something to do with the living fires of hell, and that was why my skin was now burning.
I had also started to take the remaining prednisone pills. Soon after, I started to hear voices about how I was never going to get better. These voices did not really concern me in an unsettling manner. Rather, I listened to them for insight and soon understood that I needed to destroy any connection to my past, as it was the sexual abuse that defined me as a person, and that this was causing the rash and itch. It was like there were now two people within me and one was set on destroying the weakness of the other. A deep hate settled into my mind.
The night terrors had returned as well, and I was often sweating all night and had begun to pee a dark brown urine in the morning. My wife made mention of this, and I told her it was nothing to worry about. She also mentioned that I had started to smell badly. Further symptoms of cholestasis? I told her I had heard voices.
I decided to read Beyond Good and Evil by Nietzsche for insight, and in reading of the his slave and master morality, and the idea of the wanderer, I believed I needed the will to destroy the “slave” in me. Thinking back, all of this is insane, but I would complete this self-destruction by erasing my very past.
I began to watch YouTube videos about people who lived in vans, and I told my family I wanted to live in one too. I came to feel I needed to leave my family and wander. I had also become very controlled by symbolism at this point, and one of the YouTube vanlife people’s tag line was “Born to Wander”, so in my mind, this message was an obvious clue. I was the wander Nietzsche had written of, only this time, in a van.
The voices however; when I would reflect on having heard them, they seemed to come from the zodiac and I always heard them from directly above the back of my head. In particular, I believed they were coming from the gnostic goddess of wisdom, Sophia, and the 13th sign (Orpheus) of the zodiac. I also remember wondering about a television show I watched during the time of my own sexual abuse called, Read All About It. I had never finished the show when I was a kid and never figured-out who the protagonist, Dunedin, actual was. I was sure this was a clue and that there was information I needed.
As said, the ideas of sex cults had also taken up much of what I believed to be true at this time. For instance, I had seen a decorative frog hung in the patio of a friends and was now convinced the triangle symbol on the frog was that of a sex cult membership of sorts. I told my mother-in-law and wife of this concern.
In my mind, a deep paranoia that sex cults connected to Buckingham Palace, the Vatican, and Donald Trump in Washington D.C. had become the obvious axis of power that ran the world. I remember thinking of it as the hidden connect between these three places; I knew it as the Empire of the City. Some sort of trilateral global power base shared between Washington, London and the Vatican. It now seemed obvious that I had figured it all out. I had figured-out global politics. I also developed an issue in my mind to collect Marshall Mcluen books.
Early-November 2020: At this point, I was in a state of depression and mania at the same time after taking more prednisone. At school I decided to isolate myself in a portable and avoided all contact with other staff. I was still riding my motorcycle, the rash was still very bad, and I was not sleeping, but seemed to no longer need sleep. I was once again rather manic. For instance, I decided to buy light-up “disco” speakers for my classroom and would often play music and sing and dance in my chair for the students. I also remember thinking that speed bumps on the road were an imposition to my driving, and I refused to slow below the post speed limit, and my car would jump over them as I passed. Days later, I would become very depressed. Near the end I came to think that I could find forgiveness from the Mexican folk-goddess of death, Santa Muerte and that she might end the rash. I would teach my grade twelve class about her. I once called a York Region hotline about road construction, and they diverted me to the mental health line; I hung up in a fury.
I was no longer really teaching but talking endlessly (sometimes of rather bizarre topics such as the Oracle of Eleusis), handing out worksheets, marking all student assignments as perfect (most work I never did mark), yet I also considered myself to be the smartest teacher in York Region. I had come into a mentality where I no longer cared about anything and had embraced death as a way of living. My world was concerned with sex cults, satanic “religious” ideas, and a self-hate related to my own sexual abuse was consuming me. I wished to be reborn in the “secret fires” of Lucifer.
By this time, I was highly irritable and looking back, my mind was out of control, I was not connected to any sense of reality, and the mental world I lived in was very dark. I remember arguing with TV commercials, having conversations with myself about how smart I was, and deciding that I was now going to distribute motorcycles I would buy from China. I made contact via Alibaba.com with several distributors and factories of dirt bikes in China and had a plan to order about $62K of them to start and sell them from my garage. And then the search for Hunter Biden's Laptop. I told people what I found.
Each day, I would listen to a satanic song called, More Than Living, by Jess and the Ancient Ones for guidance from Lucifer. He was no longer the evil Satan, but now a fallen angel; somehow, I identified with this. And in this psychosis, I had supreme confidence in my abilities to do whatever I wanted as Lucifer might. He had become my light, and as I knew the rash was connected to my emotional past of sexual abuse, and I needed to erase that emotional past. “Arise! The Serpent of power, Transform this hollow soul, Ascending secret fires, Let this kingdom come.” These are the lyrics to More Than Living, and I truly believed this could happen to me.
Jess And The Ancient Ones - More Than Living (youtube.com)
If you listen, you will come to understand my mindset at the time. These days, the experience of psychosis stays with me. Oddly it changed me forever, if anything, to never take my life and sanity for granted.
Looking deep into the love
Serenity is forever lost
Gazing deep into the flames
Burning triangles reign
Innocence is the sin of illusion
As nothing is what it seems
Blinding clouds now move aside
I was only passing through
Now I see the ghosts of time
To where the stars fell
To where my Father dwells
To where my heart tells
Arise! The Serpent of power
Transform this hollow soul
Ascending secret fires
Let this kingdom come
Mother! Nothing I ask of you
My soul was never mine to keep
Destroy this life that I despise
I throw it all away
Mother! Born from your fires
Thundering forth illumination
Shining golden spheres of being
The road to perception
Breathing in the embers glow
Ride the tiger through the tides of blood
Eclipse the sun with my hands
See the world in its primal state
Conquering the world of senses
A dreamless sleep to see beyond this world
Secrets within the wailing moon
White faces there waiting for me
Silhouettes from the Great Abyss
Whispering unto me, whispering unto me
In chaos, endlessly spiralling
Words of love echo forever
Cosmic sky, crippled and falling
Always about to die
Mother! My soul is on fire
Blood inside my tears
In death, in blood, in dreams
The edge of time I see
Mother! My soul is on fire
Blood inside my tears
In death, in blood, in dreams
The edge of time I see
Mother! The worlds is on fire
Your voice shall sound the end
In death, in blood, in dreams
The face of love I see
This is what happened. When I started taking the 50 mg pills of Prednisone (a type of steroid), the spiral into basic insanity occurred quickly, and I still can't make sense of it as my mind was swinging from euphoria to very dark thoughts each day. Psychosis had me thinking very odd things. And to be clear, I was taking Prednisone courses over 8 months to clear a rash caused by testosterone therapy. No wonder my mind cracked apart. Incredibly, doctors also gave me a steroidal oil (called Derma-Smoothe) and I calculated that when I went psychotic, my daily steroid load was about 70 mg/day! A high dose is above 40 mg:
US Pharm. 2016;41(7):16-18.
Systemic corticosteroid use—such as treatment with prednisone, commonly used in respiratory disorders, rheumatoid arthritis, and other conditions common in older adults—has been associated with psychiatric adverse effects. Symptoms such as euphoria, insomnia, mood swings, personality changes, severe depression, and psychosis—referred to as corticosteroid-induced psychosis—have been estimated to develop in 5% to 18% of patients treated with corticosteroids.1 The primary risk factor for the development of corticosteroid-induced psychosis is a high dose of corticosteroids, with risk increasing among patients taking 40 mg or more of prednisone or its equivalent daily
And in time, much more will be explained as it must be for me to explain in full detail that what was initially reported in the press, and how I was portrayed, had nothing to do with the reality of the situation. My sister knows more of the details, and I hope she will come to help me bring out the truth, but as of yet, that has not been the case.
My goal is total vindication. What happened cannot be viewed as having been fault of mine. I nearly died and went psychotic. Those responsible should tell the truth, and this is all I ask. In the future, I will share the entire story.
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