Thinking back on psychosis

So, this blog had two basic reasons when I started it. One was to explain what actually happened, as it turned out to be... many of the posts happened in real time. And the other, to talk about psychosis, for people who have been through it, or just trying to escape it. So, when I was... I found it very helpful to read about other people's experience with it. Mainly the drug induced form as that's what mine was. Steroids in particular. Prednisone at 50mg a day. 

When I think back to it, maybe as it ended in a very traumatic manner, it really does seem like it all happened just a short time ago, not seven years. Yet, the years that have passed also have let me consider it more clearly. 

If you are going through a recovery stage, one thing I have pinned down about psychosis is that it narrows your focus to the point that total fixation occurs. To explain, when I was at the peak of psychosis, I remember a few clear examples of this. One was this bizarre idea that the government was about to remove all Marshall McLuhan books from circulation. So, in a very narrow state of mind, I went to all the used bookstores in Toronto to buy as many as I could. Yet none were found that day, which convinced me further. Yet, you can buy them on Amazon, and always could. It was that narrow focus, and the filtering out reality that I look back as an understanding of what psychosis manifests as. 

And this narrow focus, even more dangerously, can be informed by this idea that your own thoughts are more real than actual reality. You might have a thought that you can do something, which is objectively impossible, but that doesn't matter. I had the thought for a week or so, that I would become a motorcycle dealer out of my garage. I tried to order $60K of small 49cc bikes from China over the internet. It was the most ridiculous idea, as for one, I didn't have that amount of money, but it just didn't seem important at the time. 

And then these fixations turned to the Pizzagate idea. This is a weird one. Years earlier I had become aware of what Pizzagate was basically about. Yet I found it hard to believe. But in 2019, while on Prednisone, I once more became fixated on it, and was determined to prove to people I knew that it was real. In the end, nothing was found but information on Hunter Biden was. And that was it. I told everyone I could about that too... but was dismissed. 

So, psychosis. No wonder many people find themselves in trouble while in its midst. The mind just is so ultra-focused on bizarre ideas, there is no stopping them. 

And yes, what does this have to say to anyone trying to recover now? Basically, if you are reading this and having issues... you must decide that if people are openly questioning you about your thoughts, they are correct to do so. Listen to them. 

People who are sane, do not... and I repeat, they do not have others questioning their thoughts. If you find yourself in this position, even in post-psychosis recovery, you have to listen to medical professionals. 

In my case, post-psychosis, I was basically lost in my mind for about a year. It wasn't until I visited an endocrinologist about a report she had written about there being no need for the testosterone one doctor kept insisting I needed. She referred me to a mental health professional as I suppose it was obvious I was a total mental mess. And in working with that professional, I was able to receive the proper medication to calm my mind, work through things in dealing with so many of the false ideas floating around. That was very hard, as since your thoughts in psychosis seem real, once out of psychosis, it's not easy to decern what is what. 

It's like my memories within psychosis had also focused on the pure moment. Thinking with any hindsight or foresight had left me. It was as if past memories were forgotten. I know that seems weird, but I had an experience of being so present in the moment of myself (in a rather grande way), ideas of a "past me" in my mind seemed weak and irrelevant. And there was no sense of the future either. What needed to be done, needed to be done now. Impulsive and irrational.

These days, I have basically returned to normal. Thank God, and I wish anyone reading this the best. Steroid psychosis isn't permanent; it's just the time needed for the endocrine and related neurological balance to fall back into place. Anxiety seemed for me to be the last puzzle piece to place, but that is getting better too. You might not ever be the same after the experience, but it's just about the worst mental thing people go through. Peak insanity. Thinking back to what happened scares the hell out of me even today... but that's okay. It was what it was. 

    

It will all come out... or most of it... who knows.

So, as I watch the news... yes, more of what I had been on about years ago, it is coming forward now. I suspected it would.

At the time, in 2015 or so... there were sort of data-dumps about all of this on 4Chan. I think it was on that site. It was very weird stuff... not believable really. Here is the update:

https://youtu.be/jkSaR3fGWXw

But later in 2019, there was more... from G-TV. 

Beyond just trying to explain what happened. As it is, some have emailed me about this; and just don't seem to understand it, likely because it is so unbelievable. That is totally fine, and I understand. 

Steve Bannon Ally Guo Wengui Is Pushing Hunter Biden Conspiracies

But it did all happen. And at the time, I TOLD EVERYONE! This basically explains it.

https://youtu.be/OMctgKj3z64?t=2388

So, yes, some information is coming out... but many things that did surface, are just never going to be seen again I would guess. In 2019, over 4Chan and G-TV... some very full-blown "what is this!?" stuff was released. 

In any event, whatever was real, whatever was falsely represented... it got me into a huge amount of trouble... while psychotic on prednisone... it all seemed real to me. 

And this is my issue from the start. As soon as the media grabbed hold of my story, none of this was explained. When I told everyone what I was doing, they thought I was lying. 

Imagine telling the authorities that you discovered that the elites of this world, were involved in the worst crimes imaginable... that you had discovered this while at work, using a work computer at 6 am on a Monday. Now imagine telling them this in a state of psychosis. 

Imagine then, coming down from the mania, and falling into the depression... sort of regaining a sense of reality... and realizing what about what had just happened? I had no clue.

That was my defense, but it was the truth. The forensic analysis basically said about the same but added that I should investigate medical malpractice. Which I did... and proved. 

Even now, it is all so frustrating all this happened. For me yes, but to all those close to me at the time. It should have never occurred. I should have never been subjected to a medically induced psychosis. 

But at the end of the day... maybe in 5 more years... even more will be known about the bizarre nature of what I thought I discovered that day in October of 2019. 

   

  

Final Tribunal Outcome

2024 ONOCT 12 (CanLII) | Ontario College of Teachers v Aurich | CanLII

One of the big issues was resolved in this hearing. I for one, was ready to move on. They also didn't see a path forward; and I didn't either. 

After what had happened, it was over. No coming back... even from having been psychotic; no path. For one thing, and I think this is important, the medications had had such a dramatic effect on me, I was diagnosis as schizotypal, and I came to the opinion, this was enough to end things for me from their perspective... It was over. Even if ever allowed, I was never going to be mentally able to continue as I had before... doing the same work. And it was extremely doubtful, near nil, that I would have found employment anyway. It was over. 

Imagine being asked about this in a classroom... my reply would be, "yes, but it wasn't what it seemed... it was about this grand conspiracy I had while psychotic." Yeah... not going to be anywhere near reasonable to anyone.

I also didn't need legal help in this matter, as what had happened had been clearly established. And in a way, I am thankful they came to this outcome.

I just wanted the matter to be settled on the facts of what had happened. Not on rumor or early and incomplete media reports. 

Prince Andrew Arrested

https://youtu.be/U8pS9os7bH0

Well, what can I say, that I didn't say years ago that got me into so much trouble?

Not much. 

Maybe this added information will help people believe me? So many I listed off to the criminal investigator in 2019... Seems Prince Andrew is no longer a Royal anyway.

What I was up to, while psychotic on prednisone mind you, was just what I said it was, and nothing more. A rabbit-hole investigation into the weird world of these elites, to figure out what happened to me.

There was of course no connection to me, back when I was 10, but while psychotic I was convinced of it. 

Back for a bit...

So, I returned for a bit.. back to visit..

And so, a lot comes flooding back, as I take simple walks and remember what I was thinking and dealing with just a few years ago. And it's truly still such a bizarre feeling to think any of this happened at all. 

I still remember, mainly the confusion. 

At first, while I was still psychotic on prednisone, I remember feeling as nothing was of any importance. That have had being arrested was no big deal... that I would simply move to Central America. Live in a campervan and be free. Crazy as it is, this is what I was telling everyone around me. They must have known I had lost my mind. Why didn't they help me at the time? But they also keep saying I need to "take a plea deal"... So, they just wanted me gone I suppose. Anyway...

Then, when the bottom dropped out, once the drugs wore off... I was thrown into a state of total panic and confusion... and I came to understand, as people explained, that all of my odd theories were in fact, untrue... but still, something had been uncovered concerning the Hunter Biden information. 

Yet... I knew however, that something else was very wrong with the situation... why was I covered in a rash? And when I secured my medical file... why were the blood tests going back several years, all showing elevated levels of testosterone, showing signs of a blood disorder... all totally out of whack. And why was it I had been told testosterone therapy was needed years previous, when an endocrinologist's report at that time said there was no need for it? I had been lied to. Why?

I knew something had gone very wrong. And when I came to understand 50 mg of prednisone can cause psychosis (and never to be used while someone is on testosterone)... it all fit. The puzzle of what had happened was realized, and I knew it was going to take a lot of work, but it would have to be proven to a court. And it was. All of this was in fact proven as the forensic investigation came to the same conclusions I had been awakened to. 

The reality of the situation is that I was deceived about the need for testosterone and never needed it. Today levels are just fine. I was also given far too much of it, for reasons I do not understand even today. And when I became sick because of it, developing polycythemia, the doctors didn't want a thing to do with me. Much of this has been proven in the medical tribunals, mainly, the issue of actual medical error and neglect.

In the matter of illegality... even that was cleared up. What I saw was not illegal, but it was weird and alarming in the context of believing "elites" where trafficking people. And as it turned out, perhaps to some degree, they were? But that's something I don't know much about other than what you might hear on the news about trips to islands and other such dubious news. 

In any event, I feel many people do not fully understand what happened. I did try and succeed in having the press meet with me years after the arrest, the dropping of the charges... after all the tribunals... to sort of give some explanation as it has always bothered me to think a medical issue involving my potential death and psychotic episode would be kept unknown. 

So, it's my role to make sure it isn't. I was never found guilty by the court, or any professional organization via tribunal... at each turn, each such organization realized what happened, and quietly left me alone. 

I just hope in time others, maybe by the next time I visit again... might realize all this too. 

Just Some More Thoughts

So, just a few more thoughts on this as the time passes.

I suppose several of my recent post have related to media stuff. Things concerning what I suspected in the past and how those things lead me to really go down a very weird "rabbit hole", primarily while psychotic on prednisone. All of this was proven in the forensics to the point it could have been, so it's not so much my story as it was the result of the investigation. Still, there was a lot that was left, I don't know, left to some sort of mystery concerning what I uncovered (I suppose that's one way of putting it), what could be decerned, and what could just not be believed. 

One of these items was that of sexual abuse. That abuse I suffered as a kid. And while I never disclosed it (although some knew of it, such as my sister), even know, I would have rather it was never disclosed. Not out of embarrassment, but...

Well, this might sound like very bad advice, likely it is, but I don't think there is much of a point in people disclosing what happened to them such as what happened to me. Unless it results in some sort of justice for them, or ends the abuse, I have found there to be about no effect on healing, or having anyone understand, actually, bring these memories to the surface and into the open does very little. 

In reality, I had rather forgotten about what happened to me. Yet, in some subconscious way, I had not dealt with it. What I mean to say, is that while psychotic my mind seemed to take many negative emotions and carry them into a state of mind where they become the most important things I was thinking about. But, also, covered in a rash, dying of polycythemia... and in a state of general medical misery, I don't think any sort of previous therapy would have helped. 

This has bothered me. 

Many people have told me, if I would have just said something before... but I remain skeptical. Now, I really doubt it. 

But perhaps, as I seem to have obviously become somewhat fixated on Pizzagate as sort of self-referential quest... maybe they are right. 

It just bothers me, always will I suppose... that something that happened when I was ten, came back to basically ruin my life. It seems just so sad... so cruel. 

But now, I am basically doing okay. Basically, I have made it through this cruel joke, or whatever, and why the deception on my life occurred. And I really, I don't even have any bad feelings about much of it... I had to accept it. That took about three years. At first, I was really very confused, in a sort of denial... I could not understand the motivations of others involved.

Then I realized they were never going to tell me anyway. They were never going to help me in the lawsuits I filed, and the tribunals. And what's more, I had to present just what happened in several of the tribunals, they investigated further and concluded I was truthful... so I do hope that leads to people realizing that my description of events is accurate. 

And so... one moves past the mystery, I guess. I am just glad I didn't die. 

More Connections

One of the early things that I talked of... Pizzagate.

I think it must have been about 2015. I don't really remember, but this really was the "open door" that had me starting to wonder. And it's important to my experience as when I became psychotic on prednisone, a lot of the sexual abuse I suffered came flooding back... as did the Pizzagate ideas. To be clear, I started looking for more information on it, but by 2019, all information had seemingly been removed from the internet... yet I did stumble into the Hunter Biden laptop story.  

But now, as I sort of always suspected... the information that no one believed me about on Pizzagate is back. 

https://youtu.be/Tyu910iyTuY

This is just a YouTube link from August 2025... but it is all very disturbing to me even now. Even more so. I suppose people can decide what they make of it. At one point the host in the YouTube says something like, "you can go looking for this stuff, but it's dangerous." Yes, indeed it is. Don't.