So, when I started this blog, people often told me that what I was writing came across as "very strange".
Well yes. In fact, the original blog is gone. For a time, I had paused everything, and then when my mind had come back to me post-psychosis... I resumed this blog and tried to better explain. It was easier as well, as many of the medical and legal battles/mysteries had been resolved.
I really do know the original blog came across and frantic and disorganized. Highly speculative and yes, strange. But such was my mind at the time. I had come to understand what happened, but was so isolated and up against a massive incoming disaster... I just had to hold on to the truths of what I knew and hoped it would all be believed. In the end, it was; medical mismanagement, psychosis, laptops that didn't officially exist, and more.
It was such an odd journey. I can remember, say, telling people all about the misdoings of Prince Andrew for instance. I would tell people this was part of what I was on about in my psychotic lead investigations... and of course, no one believed me. Then, years later the news would disclose information, and I would receive simple emails from the same people saying, "I heard about Prince Andrew in the news." Nothing more than that. Just an acknowledgement.
This gets me to absurdism. At some point, maybe about 2021, I came across the ideas of Albert Camus. It's the idea that the world is in a sense irrational and meaningless. And being in an existential crisis myself (to put it mildly), I was interested. And so, these ideas can be explained as Sisyphus endlessly pushing the rock up the hill. And for me, it seemed all the work I was doing was getting me nowhere. I know many feel after all of this, I must in some way be guilty of something; but that's irrelevant, yet of course it has in the past played heavily on me... but what can be done about rectifying this by me has been done. I am done pushing that particular boulder up the hill.
Even after each stage shown what had happened, I often felt I was getting nowhere. Yes, I had been cleared, but once your life is leveled, the idea of going anywhere just seemed pointless. But in the ideas of the absurd, I have come to realize that there is no longer a goal. Before all of this, there were preset goals in my life, that kept the dream alive. Afterwards, I realized the goals of my life had been removed, and they weren't coming back. My life was in a way rendered meaningless.
But not to despair, or fall into pity, or decide to do nothing. Camus wrote, "Thus existence is absurd because contingency finds no external justification." So, before all this, yes, I had an idea in myself that the world (and my life) needed clarity, order and purpose. Afterwards, all of this was gone, and I came to accept this; that perhaps I could create my own meaning, live a sort of life as worthwhile despite the meaningless of what it had become, and, to defy what the likely outcomes would be.
So far so good, haha. I laugh at the thought of it, as that is rather the point.
Often it is very difficult to cast my mind into the future and see nothing. Worse, to see all that is gone and not coming back. Along the way, to deal with this, my mind invented various goal posts I was to transcend to. Camus said that to avoid a vision of total nihilism, lost people will cope by mentally inventing these fantasies. But to truly cope, I came to understand that it's best to deal in probabilities rather than possibilities. Sure, anything is possible, but it's dangerous to think this way when you have been rubbed into the ground.
Instead, I took the approach of what might be probable. And in this, Camus' ideas of living a life rather without the end goals and living in the enjoyment of each day took over my mind. Yes, I still have goals for the future, but they are vague, perhaps unknown, yet accepted as fantasy.
And so, I just keep it up... keep the ball rolling.
