One thing that sits in my thoughts, likely forever... is the change that occurred in my mind while leading into psychosis, and within it.
I have thought about this a lot. Not in a worrisome way, but in a manner that just is so odd. Before the false diagnosis for the need for Androgel (and the rather high levels prescribed), I was truly a different person mentally.
To reflect... before the Androgel, there was a person who was rather calm, even perhaps too calm. Too chilled out. But at the same time, I was a bit of a scatterbrain. I was always interested in myths, history, topics dealing with alchemy of the 1500's, and had read a bit on mystery stories of say, The Eleusinian, the Oracle of Delphi, Greek myths, ancient Egypt... but you know, as a passing interest.
I liked the ideas of say a Terence McKenna, Allan Watts, or Eastern traditions of spiritual ideas like Shito. Maybe you could call it New Age, but it wasn't really that. I remember really enjoying the book, Secret Teachings of All Ages, by Manly P. Hall. So, it's not unfair to say I had an interest in the fantastical. I sort of identified with it within some small niche of my personality. People who knew me at this time know this well.
And so, what happened? Well, at first while on Androgel, all that thinking and personality left me rather quick. But in a way, it only seemed to morph. The ideas become subjugated by ego. And I became someone else.
As it occurred, I clearly remember thinking so. It was a weirdly conscious/unconscious decision of sorts. But I guess my brain chemistry changed. That's all it was. And yet, after some time, once the delights of the Androgel had worn away, a truly dark person took hold. In reality, at the end it could be said I was literally dying; polycythemia due to the Androgel took hold, but the medical deception regarding that remained until the bitter end. Proven? Yes.
And so, what was I thinking at that time? Well, that's just it. Since I have come back to my original self, I can no longer connect to that person I had become. I have memories, but the thoughts don't make sense. The older interests in the New Age stuff never left, but it had become very dark... and more importantly, it became real to me.
On prednisone, it had all become reality. I think my slant towards the fantastical had then metastasized into the final diagnosis of schizotypal; but I am rather clear now, and that has faded away to nothing. It was the influence on my mind of the hormones I can only think.
Yet... I remember reading Giordano Bruno, and Nietzsche when I was near psychotic and within the psychosis. It all that made this eerie sense to me. Nietzsche for instance, the Will to Power and Master-Slave Morality... I took in some manner to explain my own self. Bruno, well, his writings had me thinking the heavens were alive and sending messages. But it is the remembrance of these past thoughts; they were so captivating.
As it was, feelings of compulsion. That's the best way to describe it. To feel alive as I was dying - is what I today feel is what I was actually after. A feeling to buy a motorcycle in the February winter of Canada and ride it; without lessons, a license, or anything. It was insane, but it was me, as that was what I was like. And there are other examples ranging from fishing to buying books, and of course, Pizzagate. It all seemed so real, and I was determined. To figure it out. What exactly? I didn't know. For years after, I didn't know. To figure-out past sexual abuse, yes... in part...
But now, as I reflect, it makes even more sense. I was literally dying. I was desperate. And there was this energy of the Androgel that kept it going. Then the prednisone super-charged it all, and I spiraled into topics that basically ended my life as I knew it. I can say, I didn't even think twice about these mental rabbit holes and wild theories that were catapulting me along during that period.
And now, what has happened? Well, I returned to the person I was before all of this. But the experience... I can sit and look into my mind via contemplation about those wild ideas, but I cannot connect to them in a way that feels it was real. It wasn't. It was psychosis.
