Emails... rumours and reality

Hello again... just want to respond to a few questions.

Not much new, but some have told me not to be so detailed. I don't know, I was just trying to do the best I could to explain all of this... and perhaps you get loss in the weeds. I don't know.

So, after all this time, as things have settled, and I have truly recovered from psychosis and polycythemia (you can review this blog), what happened has become clearer to even me. To start, I was in fact tricked into taking AndroGel; the first time I asked to see an endocrinologist, and did not take to the idea, and the second time, I was lied to about what the endocrinologist's report said. 

So, I became very sick over time, developed polycythemia but was told I had shingles. I proved this and the medical malpractice of being allowed to develop polycythemia.

When I was sick (for about 8 months) I was given 50 mg doses of prednisone while I was taking AndoGel, and this combo sent me into psychosis. And this was proved by forensics. 

Okay, now at this point I became enraged and consumed by episodes of sexual abuse I suffered at the age of ten. Oddly, there was a lot of "Q-Anon" stuff about Epstein, Pizzagate and other such stuff, and I took to the internet. This was the week of Halloween, October of 2019... days before the American election. And so, as it was there was a misinformation "Q-Anon Hunter Biden" laptop disclosure made by GTV Media Group, and I told everyone I could about it. What was actually true and not about this laptop, today I have no idea. 

And as I took more Prednisone, I became totally manic and hallucinatory. In this, I kept looking for some sort of massive conspiracy involving sex trafficking one Monday morning (about 7 am) on my work computer after not sleeping for a few days. 

That's what the investigation concerning me bore out. And for about a year, while authorities were trying to determine what happened, I was questioned and questioned (I assume everything I ever did on a computer was determined), and I just keep saying that I was after this conspiracy, and that I had gone insane. 

I had no intention of anything illegal and rather stumbled upon the Hunter Biden "whatever" which shocked me.  

I was also literally dying of polycythemia. My body was covered on a deep purple rash that itched day and night. Many people saw this rash. My blood was so thick, I actually had some sort of collapse and seizure (likely due to clotting). I was totally impotent as well. Nothing about what happened was in anyway sexual in nature. Given I was psychotic, I had no real insight into just what was happening. 

I believe that once authorities had determined all of this, they likely were shocked; that was my impression anyway, but who knows as I was such a mental disaster, but the legal issues were dropped. Anyway, I went on to prove as much as I could via five legal tribunals as a self-represented person as I had no money for lawyers.

People like rumours, and I get that, but I worked to dispel them and explain the realities. My health today is totally fine. I never needed AndroGel. 

Thoughts of the last 5 years

I am not quite sure why this blog remains helpful. I am not all that sure who is reading it, if it's helpful, or truly what the point is lol. But it helps in a way.

Been a few years since this bizarre left turn took hold of me. I always knew it would be known as to what happened, but the medical issues did totally blindside me. And as the news on what I was after continues to develop... well yes, I hear about it...

So much was altered. It's still rather mind boggling. But if fault is to be given, no real authority ever decided I was at fault. Or that I witnessed what I was suspected of... medical malpractice was proven... and all of this was not of my opinion either, rather, they are legal ones. In the end, the only person found to be at fault in anyway, was the doctor treating me at that time. 

But as I have moved into a very different life now, one of travel, a lot of contemplation I suppose... having been completely humbled and dismantled, I never gave up. That's something I can look back at one day perhaps. Maybe it will help? I think so. 

For a very long time, dreams of life had basically been stripped from me... an extremely painful process as Jung once wrote. And I can say that I have reconstituted now. The dreams are re-emerging... a different constellation yes, but as anyone who has been pulled apart knows, without one's dreams in life, the feeling of being completely lost is real. But I never turned to some combination of vices or such... I just got down to the work of a very long legal process, and then, more of my own legal process to prove as much as I could. The oddest thing about all of this is that once out of the "care" of the medical professionals, I have become myself once more. 

For years, hoodwinked, I had in fact been warped into a very odd person. And now... it's me again, and it literally makes me cry. Not badly as it once did, but while rationally speaking, turning back into yourself might make no sense whatever... but my case is not a rational one, it truly is about some sort of deep betrayal on my life that I still do not yet understand. I know the details, but not the motives. 

In time, as it had occurred to others first, these motives perhaps need time still to distill in me, but I rather expect it all to come to nothing. I might never know. But it all takes time, and since the last 5 years have been a rather frantic time, only now has any sense of calm come over me. And thank God for that. 

People have contacted me via this blog... with questions and such. I don't often answer. But it doesn't mean I don't have many of the same questions myself.   

I have seen the fate of those who have not lived their own lives, and it is simply horrible. People who live out their destiny and fulfill it to the best of their knowledge and abilities have no reason for regret.

- Carl Jung

Guatemala

As things develop, all that I can say is, more is likely to come along in all of this.

During my time of psychosis, it's hard to explain how these things came into my mind. But I was very much involved in world issues at the time... things about the Mexican border and Haiti really spurred what would become a very manic investigation into all things connected to this. But I truly was running off the ether of what was a prednisone induced bipolar mania. 

When I was at the height of this period of time, I was telling everyone I could about my theories. And while I don't want to explain much, those in Nobleton I talked to know just what I told them. 

So as more is exposed, my nutty theories... what are they now? I was not making things up, but yes, it was what my psychosis had led me into. And as said, it is all just so bizarre, but over time I knew that this was all likely to resolve itself. 

At the time, I told authorities the same. I told friends the same. I have, since the start, told of what happened, even when it could not be believed.  

Yet, these days I don't care. It is all very sad, but there is nothing more I can say further to what I said to start. Did I have it all correct? The right names and such? I doubt it. I know I didn't. I had gone psychotic, and at this point, if and when more of what I was on about comes out... but until then... who knows ... so again, this is what I told the forensics...

This is what people around me at that time told forensics...

So, as this just continues, and I know I have been vague about many specifics... but as I said in past posts here, it was always my intention NOT to say anything of my own opinion. Instead, I would/will let others... otherwise I never have felt anything could have even been seriously considered, and due to the psychosis, not even by myself as odd as that might seem. 

People may not understand this, but due to the psychosis, I myself had no clear idea of what had even happened. 

Post Psychosis... a few years on

So, one of the big reasons for this blog, was to help people in psychosis, or like me, working to figure out things afterwards. When I was recovering etc... internet posts, and personal accounts were VERY hopeful and helpful for me. I always found the medical experts helpful too, but not in the same way.

So about 2 years on since the major symptoms have faded (yes medical experts will tell you that it takes about 2 years to recover from symptoms and five years to full recovery) I would like to inform whomever out there who needs this information.

In my case, unfortunately I received very little help to recover in the first couple years. People can read about those bizarre details if they like. But, after a couple of years under medical care, I did indeed recover. It wasn't easy, mainly because psychosis is basically an unseen brain injury. 

In my case, the clinical diagnosis was that of schizotypal/bipolar disorder, caused by a substance inducement. It cannot be understated, the degree my mind had been altered was extreme. I am still shocked, embarrassed, and I really can't say what else... but it's the truth. By medical prescription, I had been driven out of my mind. 

 

It is really VERY strange to think I had become schizotypal, but thinking back, it's likely the case. I had become immersed, really... in magical thoughts. I thought the zodiac was talking to me at one point. And was well, as much as people these days "care" about mental health, I have remembrances of people just trying to avoid me... at my workplace, for an example, near the end I had left the main building to be alone, and isolate myself... I was in such bad mental shape... but few cared lol. And those who did were confronted by a very argumentative person in myself at that time. And no one could have seen what bizarreness was to come, so best to move on from blame. In reality, mental illness scares people, and perhaps for good reason. In any case... I have recovered. Thank God... literally.

...

 

I did receive advice from the arena of the court to take action, as this inducement was done under prescription...

And... given the legal cost, which were extraordinarily high, self-represented, I was able to prove that these prescriptions also nearly killed me by way of a deadly blood disorder called polycythemia. 

It was difficult. Not due to the "facts" necessarily, but because I needed testimony from legal experts, many from American medical universities I made contact with, the legal fees for expert witnesses were in the order of tens of thousands of dollars. So, I did as best I could with semi-self-representation in the legal arena. I paid for some expert opinion, but legal tribunals are expensive, and I didn't have the money to continue. But general speaking, I uncovered what I set out to. 

The reason I re-mention this, is because recovery for me was connected at the hip with a total vindication AND full explanation of ALL events; no matter what these events were. I can say, they would have been NO chance at a mental recovery for me otherwise. I really cannot understate this. 

But now, as all legal aspects have ended, I would like to share with some hope for others, what recovery might entail...   

The Sympathetic Nervous System

This is the hardest part of recovery for me. This nervous system, as I understand it, operates from the subconscious level, and it is very difficult to "control". In my case, as it was all drug induced, the medication changed my basic personality over the years, and now, it seems I was left with a fractured mind. Clinical diagnosis supports this statement. Evidence of this for me was found not in the waking hours, but these days, while asleep. And if anyone is suffering as such, I would like to say this might just be par for the course. It seems that while asleep, my subconscious mind is trying to recalibrate itself; trying to shed the old drug induced personality and allow the natural one to recover. If anyone knows more of this, please contact me.

But also, I have read that under such drug inducement, one's amygdala is set to "high alert", and the sympathetic nervous system is running too hot. Within the duration of sleep, I find this to be VERY apparent as I still often wake with a rapid heart rate and panic, basically due to the nature of the dream state. It is all very odd. I also don't want to overstate this idea as I am not a medical professional. 

And while the solution of medications by doctors and such helped early, you will hopefully get to the stage where you can cope on your own. Mindfulness exercises such as breathing and music has helped to most. And things are slowly getting better for me. Medications used to treat psychosis, while effective, are not good for the body. In my mind, they are not a long-term solution, and this included anti-depressants. Today, I can say that I am also free of any medications. 

Yet, sadly is the case, in my experience the idea you might not ever be the "same" might be a reality. You will likely have to resign yourself to living a paired down life, where you simply must reduce vectors of stress, because the chance of spiraling is real enough. And I for one, know this to be true. 

Psychosis is a real thing in terms of actual physical injury to one's brain. But you can recover, slowly as the brain is part of the nervous system which, as you can read about, takes much longer to heal then other areas of the human body.

Work

I think also, one of the big concerns I had was work. How would I one day be capable of it? Luckily, I was able recover under medical care, and this helped get me back to a condition where it became possible. But I generally would say that part-time work comes first and see how that goes. You will indeed get better in time, but it might take longer than you (or perhaps more importantly, others) expect. I think if you generally remember that many people find their working life stressful, you can then judge what you are reasonable going to be able to do, without misleading yourself. Misleading yourself into a situation which is too much and spirals you into a worsening situation. The idea is to get better, and in my own case rather tough decisions and preparation for a new work life took time and planning. But it will be important to make the transition back into being a self-sustained individual, but it might not be so easy as psychosis has likely left you feeling rather useless.

These are my thoughts based on my own experience. Stay positive. In time the fog clears. 

Things are getting better...

Hello again,

So as a quick thing... while I have been on the move as it were, things have very much improved. I would say mentally for sure as the post-psychosis has nearly completely embed away now. I know it might seem to beg the question of, "how could it take so long to recover?"

I really don't know, as medical professionals just told me to wait, and eventually, the biochemistry would rebalance, mainly the stress hormones and brain chemistry, I guess. It was always very vague, and I never was truly told how recovery would happen, just that in time it likely would. I don't think anyone really knew. People have asked me what I mean about this... so... I struggle with how doctors could have ever done what they did... and people ask me about that in a skeptical manner... well, I think so doctors think they are God or something... it's all so gross. And the drug companies... ugh...

If you read this blog, you will understand why I post this next video... 

Different circumstances then mine, but the same hammer used. 

Here are the findings of the investigation... 

The last part, to be clear... it sure was bizarre. The explanation to what was spinning in my mind while psychotic, is now back on "X" (here) and the full reporting (here). I told everyone I could at that time. 

 

But I also think people are waking up to some very harsh realities... but perhaps one day we will all know more, but somehow, I doubt we will know all that much more... 

But... who knows... Seems all very tragic. And then there is this...

I hope that clears that up...

Now, I think I am rather close. Close to basically returning to the person I was before the false prescriptions and such, that led to all of this. Overall health-wise, I think I am rather okay now too, as a recent medical evaluation showed. 

What a long journey back from psychosis and polcythemic near death. I still shake my head at the bizarre nature of what happened; the deception at the medical level leaves me still... dumbfounded really. The nature of the Hunter Biden laptop is also rather known now too... not that I care, but obviously it's a key part of this disaster. In a way, it's not possible to get away from it. I am still not sure what to make of it all. What was real or not. Psychosis doesn't leave you with clear memories.

But... I think everything will likely be okay now, and my life back on track. 

I am sorry for all the heartache, but I really never saw it coming. Others seem to have, who knows... 

Still rather hard to know what to make of it all. But as said, I won't ever give up. 

Better Days Ahead

I suppose it is a good idea to close the book on what happened, and I have tried very hard to do so. I don't hold much animosity towards those who rather tricked me on to a prescription I never needed, or didn't help me as I went through a prednisone psychosis that lead to such calamity... however I needed to tell of what happened. Prove the story as best I could. Many didn't even want me to dare try. But eventually even the press came to realize the true nature of events... https://www.newmarkettoday.ca

And I suppose what happened is all rather hard to believe, but it's all true, although I am still rather confused as to just why what was done to me was; still rather embarrassed by all that happened, but the facts are that I was nearly dead of polycythemia, struggling with a massive rash all over me, truly demented out of my mind by the end, and yeah... not sure what else to say. Some people helped, others didn't, and I can understand that, but not those who seemed to go out of their way to spread rumours and such. But they did, and it's all rather just a sad case really... but the actual authorities concluded my crazy account of events as accurate, so I will leave those who acted against me to ponder what actually occurred. The truth is, many people in Nobleton knew what had happened... perhaps they were unsure of the details, but they knew and told the court as much. I really wish some I know of would have kept their rumour and speculation to themselves, as it only served to hurt others close to all of this. 

The reality is, I never saw anything illegal. But it was very alarming and weird, and yet my memories of it are embedded in being totally manic, so in reality, what I thought was happening was not. It's all very difficult to explain. What I thought I discovered did not exist as the psychosis had me thinking, and even today, concerning what happened, it's hard to deal with memories that do not match-up with reality. I still cannot accept that what happened actually happened, simply due to a basic situation of medical mismanagement. I never will in all honesty. I had been lied to about ALL of it, the need for testosterone to the false shingles idea... and in my opinion, given the disastrous fall-out, it is all unforgivable. Perhaps God can forgive those involved, I have nothing to do with it. 

Robert Aurich; Psychosis and worse. | Medium

Likely best to put the details in the past... there is so much to this, but I will now leave it alone; post the official records of events and let people, hopefully, come to realize that the authorities are the best explanation of events. Not rumours, my account... or anyone else's for that matter.

In case people still are unclear, here is what the court determined. This is what happened, and in my opinion, and most professionals who looked into this matter, how and why it all happened is the most disturbing element of my case. 

 

 

Yet I suspect many, back in Nobleton and KCSS, think my explanation is made-up... but it isn't. With the last investigation, I was self-represented, and all was withdrawn... there was no lawyer on my side, able to "get me out of it", I just stated what happened.

2024onoct12.pdf (canlii.org)

The evidence was rather clear to as what had happened, as bizarre as it was; basically a case of medical mismanagement, leading me into some sort of psychotic misadventure to try to unravel why I had been abused as a kid. And all of that is very much similar, as I began to suspect as it were, while psychotic; rather in a sort of rage about it.

...

But many like the rumour more than the fact. Not much I can do about it, and as a result, I have no interest in teaching, no interesting in having to provide endless explanations, and truly, it's just a bad idea, likely leading to more rumour and such. No thanks. I will take my life and leave that scene. 

So for me, yes, better days ahead as I am now set to move on from this. In a big way too, and a very hopeful future actually...yet, I sadly leave behind a lot of what my life once was, enough to bring tears to my eyes rather often, but such is life. You can only control what you can, and for the longest time, that basic control over my own life had been hijacked by medical falsehoods that again, nearly killed me; turned into a psychotic disaster on massive doses of steroids I never needed. It boggles the mind as to how it could have even happened. But I know the basic details... 

And so I am just thankful, that I am myself once more.   

Maybe people will come to understand what happened one day, but until then, I wish whomever I knew all the best. 

Recovery from Psychosis

When I was in recovery, having no clue about psychosis, I tried my best to find accounts to help me know I would survive it; and it was always VERY hopeful when I did. I hope this account of recovery helps whomever is in recovery themselves.

Still Manic

First, when I was manic from having taken the Prednisone, this state lasted for a few weeks after having taken the last dosage. I felt, even after the arrest, that everything was just perfectly fine. To say I was clueless is an understatement beyond what I can express here. I remember having some very bizarre ideas, and one day I will post more. But briefly, the mania ended in a sort of step-down approach, and then a total depression took hold, but a sort of manic depression. It was a very dangerous period, and I am lucky to have survived it. I will just say that extremely dangerous ideas of self-harm came over me, and they seemed like the only way to escape the complete feeling of having lost my mind. Anxiety yes, but mixed with delusions and depression. It's was terrifying. 

Oddly, I didn't even understand this at the time. I do remember talking to a therapist very early on, and ranting on and on to him, to which at one point he stopped me and said, "You are not okay. Does it feel like your mind is a shattered mirror?" I remember hearing this, and wondering what he was talking about. Soon after the bottom fell-out, and I found myself crying for about 4 days straight, uncontrollably and without end. I started to notice elements of my mind were at odds with each other; I could sense a buried voice "hiding" from a much more enraged one. And for weeks, I sort of just survived this.

When I began to come back to my mind, recovery was, oddly perhaps, not anything I was thinking of, and I do think institutionalized medical care is 100% needed for people in this state. As I said, I am lucky to have survived this period, and made attempts to ensure I wouldn't. At one point, I actually jumped out of a moving car. 

Recovery

Here is what I did. 

To start the idea was to calm down, and the only way I found I could do this was to listen to music. Ambient Music. I could not sleep, and would listen to this type of music to allow me focus my mind as best I could on the music. This was perhaps the biggest single thing I did to help myself. 

Sleeping was a major issue, as was waking up in the middle of the night in complete panic attacks. When this happened each night, Writing a Journal, was very helpful. I would often start writing just to calm myself down, and much of what I wrote (looking back at it) makes no sense. But it did help me make sense of what was happening at the time.

The Bible. This may not be a popular idea for some, and before all of this, it wouldn't have been for me, however, do not discount the wisdom of the bible to help one navigate rough waters. I don't care what anyone says, if you haven't been through the anguish of tragedy (or psychosis), you don't understand, so if whomever you know is finding some sort of spiritual resource helpful, accept that it is helpful. 

Walking. Although I could not do this for more than an hour at best without becoming totally exhausted, it was very important. As odd as it is, I found taking a walk to the cemetery helpful, as if I broke down crying, I could sit on a bench and no one would think much of it. But being outside also sort of helped bring my mind into an immediate reality rather than being coopted up inside. 

T.V. This was also helpful for a mental escape. I would watch an old private investigator show, and sort of religiously follow along. I am not sure watching T.V. all day is a good idea, but I did come to enjoy watching this one show. I think it served as an escape, and still rather mentally unstable, I really did begin to identify with the show. I think it helped. 

Talking with Others. This was very important, and likely it was most important to talk to someone as soon as I woke in the morning (normally really early.) Looking back, when someone is trying to recover, it seems to be that they (I did) need a daily reminder of what reality is. So if you are helping someone recover, and yes it will become VERY repetitive, but just allow the person to talk, and remind them they will recover. You may get a 4 am phone call, but please be patient. This, as it was in my case, might go on for a year. The only thing someone recovering from psychosis needs, is for them to know someone cares, and that there is hope.

Focus the Mind. When the time comes, you will have to come to focus your mind. How you do this is up to you, and in my case, I began to study Spanish. At first, I was just writing out the language without understanding, but overtime, my mind began to focus. A language is a very low-impact idea I think, and can be done at a local library in the silence you will likely need anyway. The accomplishment months into this study is also something to be proud of, and real. I also began to play golf. Again to focus the mind, and depending on the day and how you feel, you can play alone or with others. It's also a low impact sport, and can be made inexpensive if you do it right.

Continued Odd Actions. For me, and perhaps this is advice for the people impacted by the psychotic person, for a long while, I truly could not be reasoned with. I still, for a long while, had odd ideas come into my mind (like a worldwide letter writing campaign of some sort, travelling to distance places, living in a van... at one point I had an fascination with pens, and also started collecting due-date bag clips from loafs of bread, etc.) I would become very upset if challenged, so it's a balancing act on how to deal with this; I can now fully appreciate it, but did not at the time. For the person recovering, if ideas you have are being challenged, in all likelihood, they are not good ones. That said, you will need to do what is needed to recover, and many won't understand that either.

So then, there is also the obvious concern of not surrounding yourself with people who think psychosis is something you can "snap out" of, and just want you to rush back to normal life. This will not happen. The best thing to do is listen to experts in mental health; just listen to them as hard as it might be as they have seen psychosis before, know what it is, how people recover, and will offer an outside, professional, reality of the situation. Accept what they tell you! I won't offer any medical ideas, other than to say that.

I hope that helps. And good luck, you'll make it! There is a contact form on the three bars if you wish.