How Things are Going... Ugh...

As it is, sometimes, I just like to write here... not sure why, but it helps somehow. 

At present, I think I have basically come to a good stage of recovery, from the psychosis, and I suppose the years of over-prescribed AndroGel... and maybe some PTSD... I don't know. Who knows. But it seems I am basically okay now, aside from a residual anxiety and generalized angst. At least the panic is gone.

It has come to rather amaze me, and this might seem a bit late in the game... but the mind seems to take years to truly come to grips with tragedy... that being prescribed prednisone (at high levels) could have resulted in all of... THIS. I think for years after the psychosis, I was just trying to survive and sort out the terrible mess. But of late, as things have become clearer, what happened has become more focused in a way. Many people I know, have encouraged me to sort of "move on", and "put the past behind you"... not so easy really. The subconscious mind seems to disallow it. I even read Jung to figure it out haha. 

To think, and I often do, that medical malpractice, and then the prescribed prednisone could have caused such a disaster for so many involved has come to shock me to my core. But tragedy is part of the human condition I suppose... I try not to think I would have been so important as to be immune. Obviously, that wasn't the case. And I hope people forgive me for something that was truly out of my control. 

Homicide and Associated Steroid Acute Psychosis: A Case Report - PMC

So, it's not just my case. I have found there are many... SMH. I have just been in a place of somber disbelief about all of this of late. And I don't know who else might be reading this, but if something similar has happened to you, I truly wish you the best. 

Just so terrible. Hard to accept. I don't know how I am going to do it. Truth is, finding happiness again in my life... might just not be possible. But I will try.

Melodramatic? Not really. I have considered all this for at least a year. 

In this consideration, which has been confusing... one thing that stands out to me anyway, is me. The fact that like a frog in a boiling pot of water, on AndroGel, I changed as a person. My very personality was altered... ending is a very damaged mind. It was slow to come on, but exponential at the end. 

I have detailed this within this blog. And it was clear that many did notice radical changes in me. I did not, as odd as it sounds... I simply viewed the alterations as a "better me", and a total sense of egoism took hold. It became my philosophy.

It is very difficult to remember who I was now. Very disconcerting. But at the end, I was actually diagnosis as schizotypal, and as I think back on myself at that time, it makes complete sense; I was detached from reality... my mind resided in magical thoughts, deep insights, strange connections, and this overpower feeling I was a near-genius.

At the end, my mind had become so altered, it is hard to describe it. I tried here in the blog in an earlier post, but I deleted it. It came across as completely unreal, but it was the truth.  

In my sense of myself now, I just feel I need to keep going. That I can't let this debacle win. I took all legal battles as far as I could, and when possible, won... which was basically each one of them. A lack of money set me back, but I tried my best. 

In my years joys aside
Fires keep my soul alight
Feel alive, stay aligned

In my dreams faces gleam
As their voices come in streams
The few I knew, slipped from view

Hang on, you got me here again
And now, I wish we stayed the same

Whenever you're in pain, don't turn to blame

Please, don't turn to blame

Media Explanations Continue

In all of this, I have always said, that I would only disclose more, when more was disclosed publicly. On the outset, from day one, I was honest about what I believed to have happened. I was psychotic, but even so, I had a base idea of what I was thinking.. and I told authorities as much...

I was not believed, and when I came back to sanity, I wasn't sure what to make of it... but as the years pass, disclosures from the media keep coming... 

And when it was all said and done, my case, everyone realized that what I had been telling them, was perhaps not something they could believe, but had to consider as bizarre, and my behaviour actually induced by a case of medical malpractice. 

Why did I go down such a rabbit hole? I fully recognize that being psychotic does not normally lead to bizarre ideas such as I had. But I was sexually abused when I was a kid, and this abuse was held in secret by myself, but while psychotic, I had become enraged by it... where in my altered consideration, world leaders were responsible. The person who abused me had connections to the Catholic Church and a minor hockey league... 

I do not like that this information is known now, I really don't, but it's part of the puzzle as to why I searched for the Hunter Biden laptop. I hate it, but I have to explain. And people will tell you, that immediately prior to all of this mess, I was deeply concerned about the Mexican border and s-x trafficking... turns out the place was Guatemala? In this, I simply stumbled on the laptop and had no intention of ever finding what I did. 

I think it all became clear to authorities... but at the time it was a story created by "Russian Disinformation".  I was not to be believed. I could not be. But of course, that laptop wasn't disinformation... 

Emails... rumours and reality

Hello again... just want to respond to a few questions.

Not much new, but some have told me not to be so detailed. I don't know, I was just trying to do the best I could to explain all of this... and perhaps you get loss in the weeds. I don't know.

So, after all this time, as things have settled, and I have truly recovered from psychosis and polycythemia (you can review this blog), what happened has become clearer to even me. To start, I was in fact tricked into taking AndroGel; the first time I asked to see an endocrinologist, and did not take to the idea, and the second time, I was lied to about what the endocrinologist's report said. 

So, I became very sick over time, developed polycythemia but was told I had shingles. I proved this and the medical malpractice of being allowed to develop polycythemia.

When I was sick (for about 8 months) I was given 50 mg doses of prednisone while I was taking AndoGel, and this combo sent me into psychosis. And this was proved by forensics. 

Okay, now at this point I became enraged and consumed by episodes of sexual abuse I suffered at the age of ten. Oddly, there was a lot of "Q-Anon" stuff about Epstein, Pizzagate and other such stuff, and I took to the internet. This was the week of Halloween, October of 2019... days before the American election. And so, as it was there was a misinformation "Q-Anon Hunter Biden" laptop disclosure made by GTV Media Group, and I told everyone I could about it. What was actually true and not about this laptop, today I have no idea. 

And as I took more Prednisone, I became totally manic and hallucinatory. In this, I kept looking for some sort of massive conspiracy involving sex trafficking one Monday morning (about 7 am) on my work computer after not sleeping for a few days. 

That's what the investigation concerning me bore out. And for about a year, while authorities were trying to determine what happened, I was questioned and questioned (I assume everything I ever did on a computer was determined), and I just keep saying that I was after this conspiracy, and that I had gone insane. 

I had no intention of anything illegal and rather stumbled upon the Hunter Biden "whatever" which shocked me.  

I was also literally dying of polycythemia. My body was covered on a deep purple rash that itched day and night. Many people saw this rash. My blood was so thick, I actually had some sort of collapse and seizure (likely due to clotting). I was totally impotent as well. Nothing about what happened was in anyway sexual in nature.

Given I was psychotic, I had no real insight into just what was happening. I still have very little understanding of what about it was true, my imagination, or delusion. I really want to make it clear; I am not at all sure what actually happened. I have memories, but some seem false. Not so much my actions, but how I interpreted reality. How I made the most bizarre connections in my own mind. What I thought things were, that were not. 

I believe that once authorities had determined all of this, they likely were shocked; that was my impression anyway, but who knows as I was such a mental disaster, but the legal issues were dropped, rather suddenly, and not much of anything was given to me in explanation, not that I asked at the time.

Anyway, I went on to prove as much as I could via five legal tribunals as a self-represented person as I had no money for lawyers. And I did in fact prove medical malpractice. 

People like rumours, and I get that, but I worked to dispel them and explain the realities. My health today is totally fine. I never needed AndroGel. 

Thoughts of the last 5 years

I am not quite sure why this blog remains helpful. I am not all that sure who is reading it, if it's helpful, or truly what the point is lol. But it helps in a way.

Been a few years since this bizarre left turn took hold of me. I always knew it would be known as to what happened, but the medical issues did totally blindside me. And as the news on what I was after continues to develop... well yes, I hear about it...

So much was altered. It's still rather mind boggling. But if fault is to be given, no real authority ever decided I was at fault. Or that I witnessed what I was suspected of... medical malpractice was proven... and all of this was not of my opinion either, rather, they are legal ones. In the end, the only person found to be at fault in anyway, was the doctor treating me at that time. 

But as I have moved into a very different life now, one of travel, a lot of contemplation I suppose... having been completely humbled and dismantled, I never gave up. That's something I can look back at one day perhaps. Maybe it will help? I think so. 

For a very long time, dreams of life had basically been stripped from me... an extremely painful process as Jung once wrote. And I can say that I have reconstituted now. The dreams are re-emerging... a different constellation yes, but as anyone who has been pulled apart knows, without one's dreams in life, the feeling of being completely lost is real. But I never turned to some combination of vices or such... I just got down to the work of a very long legal process, and then, more of my own legal process to prove as much as I could. The oddest thing about all of this is that once out of the "care" of the medical professionals, I have become myself once more. 

For years, hoodwinked, I had in fact been warped into a very odd person. And now... it's me again, and it literally makes me cry. Not badly as it once did, but while rationally speaking, turning back into yourself might make no sense whatever... but my case is not a rational one, it truly is about some sort of deep betrayal on my life that I still do not yet understand. I know the details, but not the motives. 

In time, as it had occurred to others first, these motives perhaps need time still to distill in me, but I rather expect it all to come to nothing. I might never know. But it all takes time, and since the last 5 years have been a rather frantic time, only now has any sense of calm come over me. And thank God for that. 

People have contacted me via this blog... with questions and such. I don't often answer. But it doesn't mean I don't have many of the same questions myself.   

I have seen the fate of those who have not lived their own lives, and it is simply horrible. People who live out their destiny and fulfill it to the best of their knowledge and abilities have no reason for regret.

- Carl Jung

Guatemala

As things develop, all that I can say is, more is likely to come along in all of this.

During my time of psychosis, it's hard to explain how these things came into my mind. But I was very much involved in world issues at the time... things about the Mexican border and Haiti really spurred what would become a very manic investigation into all things connected to this. But I truly was running off the ether of what was a prednisone induced bipolar mania. 

When I was at the height of this period of time, I was telling everyone I could about my theories. And while I don't want to explain much, those in Nobleton I talked to know just what I told them. 

So as more is exposed, my nutty theories... what are they now? I was not making things up, but yes, it was what my psychosis had led me into. And as said, it is all just so bizarre, but over time I knew that this was all likely to resolve itself. 

At the time, I told authorities the same. I told friends the same. I have, since the start, told of what happened, even when it could not be believed.  

Yet, these days I don't care. It is all very sad, but there is nothing more I can say further to what I said to start. Did I have it all correct? The right names and such? I doubt it. I know I didn't. I had gone psychotic, and at this point, if and when more of what I was on about comes out... but until then... who knows ... so again, this is what I told the forensics...

This is what people around me at that time told forensics...

So, as this just continues, and I know I have been vague about many specifics... but as I said in past posts here, it was always my intention NOT to say anything of my own opinion. Instead, I would/will let others... otherwise I never have felt anything could have even been seriously considered, and due to the psychosis, not even by myself as odd as that might seem. 

People may not understand this, but due to the psychosis, I myself had no clear idea of what had even happened. 

Post Psychosis... a few years on

So, one of the big reasons for this blog, was to help people in psychosis, or like me, working to figure out things afterwards. When I was recovering etc... internet posts, and personal accounts were VERY hopeful and helpful for me. I always found the medical experts helpful too, but not in the same way.

So about 2 years on since the major symptoms have faded (yes medical experts will tell you that it takes about 2 years to recover from symptoms and five years to full recovery) I would like to inform whomever out there who needs this information.

In my case, unfortunately I received very little help to recover in the first couple years. People can read about those bizarre details if they like. But, after a couple of years under medical care, I did indeed recover. It wasn't easy, mainly because psychosis is basically an unseen brain injury. 

In my case, the clinical diagnosis was that of schizotypal/bipolar disorder, caused by a substance inducement. It cannot be understated, the degree my mind had been altered was extreme. I am still shocked, embarrassed, and I really can't say what else... but it's the truth. By medical prescription, I had been driven out of my mind. 

 

It is really VERY strange to think I had become schizotypal, but thinking back, it's likely the case. I had become immersed, really... in magical thoughts. I thought the zodiac was talking to me at one point. And was well, as much as people these days "care" about mental health, I have remembrances of people just trying to avoid me... at my workplace, for an example, near the end I had left the main building to be alone, and isolate myself... I was in such bad mental shape... but few cared lol. And those who did were confronted by a very argumentative person in myself at that time. And no one could have seen what bizarreness was to come, so best to move on from blame. In reality, mental illness scares people, and perhaps for good reason. In any case... I have recovered. Thank God... literally.

...

 

I did receive advice from the arena of the court to take action, as this inducement was done under prescription...

And... given the legal cost, which were extraordinarily high, self-represented, I was able to prove that these prescriptions also nearly killed me by way of a deadly blood disorder called polycythemia. 

It was difficult. Not due to the "facts" necessarily, but because I needed testimony from legal experts, many from American medical universities I made contact with, the legal fees for expert witnesses were in the order of tens of thousands of dollars. So, I did as best I could with semi-self-representation in the legal arena. I paid for some expert opinion, but legal tribunals are expensive, and I didn't have the money to continue. But general speaking, I uncovered what I set out to. 

The reason I re-mention this, is because recovery for me was connected at the hip with a total vindication AND full explanation of ALL events; no matter what these events were. I can say, they would have been NO chance at a mental recovery for me otherwise. I really cannot understate this. 

But now, as all legal aspects have ended, I would like to share with some hope for others, what recovery might entail...   

The Sympathetic Nervous System

This is the hardest part of recovery for me. This nervous system, as I understand it, operates from the subconscious level, and it is very difficult to "control". In my case, as it was all drug induced, the medication changed my basic personality over the years, and now, it seems I was left with a fractured mind. Clinical diagnosis supports this statement. Evidence of this for me was found not in the waking hours, but these days, while asleep. And if anyone is suffering as such, I would like to say this might just be par for the course. It seems that while asleep, my subconscious mind is trying to recalibrate itself; trying to shed the old drug induced personality and allow the natural one to recover. If anyone knows more of this, please contact me.

But also, I have read that under such drug inducement, one's amygdala is set to "high alert", and the sympathetic nervous system is running too hot. Within the duration of sleep, I find this to be VERY apparent as I still often wake with a rapid heart rate and panic, basically due to the nature of the dream state. It is all very odd. I also don't want to overstate this idea as I am not a medical professional. 

And while the solution of medications by doctors and such helped early, you will hopefully get to the stage where you can cope on your own. Mindfulness exercises such as breathing and music has helped to most. And things are slowly getting better for me. Medications used to treat psychosis, while effective, are not good for the body. In my mind, they are not a long-term solution, and this included anti-depressants. Today, I can say that I am also free of any medications. 

Yet, sadly is the case, in my experience the idea you might not ever be the "same" might be a reality. You will likely have to resign yourself to living a paired down life, where you simply must reduce vectors of stress, because the chance of spiraling is real enough. And I for one, know this to be true. 

Psychosis is a real thing in terms of actual physical injury to one's brain. But you can recover, slowly as the brain is part of the nervous system which, as you can read about, takes much longer to heal then other areas of the human body.

Work

I think also, one of the big concerns I had was work. How would I one day be capable of it? Luckily, I was able recover under medical care, and this helped get me back to a condition where it became possible. But I generally would say that part-time work comes first and see how that goes. You will indeed get better in time, but it might take longer than you (or perhaps more importantly, others) expect. I think if you generally remember that many people find their working life stressful, you can then judge what you are reasonable going to be able to do, without misleading yourself. Misleading yourself into a situation which is too much and spirals you into a worsening situation. The idea is to get better, and in my own case rather tough decisions and preparation for a new work life took time and planning. But it will be important to make the transition back into being a self-sustained individual, but it might not be so easy as psychosis has likely left you feeling rather useless.

These are my thoughts based on my own experience. Stay positive. In time the fog clears. 

Things are getting better...

Hello again,

So as a quick thing... while I have been on the move as it were, things have very much improved. I would say mentally for sure as the post-psychosis has nearly completely embed away now. I know it might seem to beg the question of, "how could it take so long to recover?"

I really don't know, as medical professionals just told me to wait, and eventually, the biochemistry would rebalance, mainly the stress hormones and brain chemistry, I guess. It was always very vague, and I never was truly told how recovery would happen, just that in time it likely would. I don't think anyone really knew. People have asked me what I mean about this... so... I struggle with how doctors could have ever done what they did... and people ask me about that in a skeptical manner... well, I think so doctors think they are God or something... it's all so gross. And the drug companies... ugh...

If you read this blog, you will understand why I post this next video... 

Different circumstances then mine, but the same hammer used. 

Here are the findings of the investigation... 

The last part, to be clear... it sure was bizarre. The explanation to what was spinning in my mind while psychotic, is now back on "X" (here) and the full reporting (here). I told everyone I could at that time. 

 

But I also think people are waking up to some very harsh realities... but perhaps one day we will all know more, but somehow, I doubt we will know all that much more... 

But... who knows... Seems all very tragic. And then there is this...

I hope that clears that up...

Now, I think I am rather close. Close to basically returning to the person I was before the false prescriptions and such, that led to all of this. Overall health-wise, I think I am rather okay now too, as a recent medical evaluation showed. 

What a long journey back from psychosis and polcythemic near death. I still shake my head at the bizarre nature of what happened; the deception at the medical level leaves me still... dumbfounded really. The nature of the Hunter Biden laptop is also rather known now too... not that I care, but obviously it's a key part of this disaster. In a way, it's not possible to get away from it. I am still not sure what to make of it all. What was real or not. Psychosis doesn't leave you with clear memories.

But... I think everything will likely be okay now, and my life back on track. 

I am sorry for all the heartache, but I really never saw it coming. Others seem to have, who knows... 

Still rather hard to know what to make of it all. But as said, I won't ever give up.